Monday, July 24, 2006

Let's Talk About It

The Yoo-nited States, Israel, Palestine, Hamas, Hezbollah, Syria and Iran all agree to sit down and talk about it on The Dr. Phil Show.
Donald Trump is sitting in for the USA, Woody Allen is representing Israel, a weeping woman dressed all in Muslim-black is Palestine. Hezbollah and Hamas are two soccer hooligans who talk like Groundskeeper Willy from The Simpsons, and Jafar from Disney's Alladin is Iran and the obnoxious parrot on his shoulder is Syria.
Dr. Phil first asks Donald Trump why he can't get along with the soccer hooligans and Jafar.
The Donald shrugs and says he's trying but they keep beating up his little friend Woody, and he just can't let that happen.
The soccor hooligans jump up and start yelling and brandishing baseball bats with nails driven through them, Palestine weeps louder and Jafar strokes his beard, smiles and shoves a cracker in Syria's mouth.
Woody Allen goes on a long rant about how sorry he is for hurting Palestine's feelings, but he really needed a place to live after WWII and he wasn't exactly in his right mind after everything that happened and when Britain offered him a place to crash, he just took it.
The Donald smiles and gives Woody an encouraging pat on the shoulder. . . of course, of course.
The soccer hooligans jump up and down, they burn some effigies, Jafar and the parrot seem to be mixing up some chemicals or something on the far side of the stage.
Dr. Phil shakes his head and asks Jafar if he could explain his particular problem with The Donald and Woody, who is sweating and looking like he could really use some alone time in the bathroom.
Jafar holds up his long deadly fingers to silence the soccer hooligans. He smiles and thin wicked smile and narrows his eyes. The crusaders have offended Islam, the Jews humiliated Palestine, they must be eliminated and that is all.
The soccer hooligans yell some more, launch a few rockets and aim their machine guns into the sky. Palestine weeps loudly.
Dr. Phil furrows his brow and asks if Jafar can modify his stance in anyway. Total elimination of Woody probably isn't realistic.
Jafar says no, no compromise, only death.
This sends the soccer hooligans over the edge and Dr. Phil's security has to come out and settle things down.
After a commercial break, Dr. Phil sits down by Palestine and asks her what she wants. If she could have anything, what would it be?
Palestine wipes her eyes and says she wants a job and a safe place to live. She continues that she wants her children to be educated and thats pretty much it.
Woody stammers thats what he wants too, but how can he give her those things when soccer hooligans keep blowing up buses and conducting cross-border raids?
Jafar starts going off about anicent history, the Koran and infidels. The Donald checks his cell phone for the current price of a gallon of oil and the soccer holligans are so whipped up that Dr. Phil's security removes them backstage.


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